Subtext

Today I received this email:

Hi,

If I interview [web superstar], [internet rockstar], and [technology bigwig], will you accept these as guest posts?

Best,
[name]

I replied with charm and patience: that would depend on what you asked and what you wrote, etc. The subtext to my reply appears below.

Dear [name],

You call that a pitch? Even if I knew you personally, there's no way in hell I could give you an answer about the suitability of these would-be articles from what you've told me.

Big names aren't what I need here, see? They won't get you over the line. I need content, man, real material that says something. An interview with [technology bigwig] about his love of skinks (or whatever it is you have in mind -- clearly I have no idea what that might be) won't cut it.

Surely you realise this. So what's really going on here? Hmm? Are you trying to drive me to self-inflicted harm by sending inane emails masked as "article pitches"? Please, stop torturing me. I mean it. And I beg you.
Alida