New-concept reality television

I can't think why I didn't come up with this astonishing new, blockbuster-worthy reality TV idea the last time I got on this bandwagon, but suffice it to say I didn't.

The new concept takes Masterchef and turns it on its head:

Master Leftovers-Chef

Anyone can make something decent from a nice loin of pork, some pear, pomegranate, balsamic vinegar, good olive oil and rocket. Anyone. If you fuck that up, you don't deserve a kitchen.

But who could make something decent from the ingredients with which I was faced this evening?

• cold mashed potato
• cold cooked linguini
• dried broccoli (yes, that made you sit up, didn't it?)*
• leftover salad
• a shriveled capsicum
• approximately half a cup of the green tomato chutney I'd just made but couldn't fit in the jar
• boring table cheese (although to be honest, interesting cheese would probably only have made matters worse)
  
• wilted beet tops**
  

I know what you're thinking: why didn't you thaw some frozen eggs*** and make a meal of it, sister?

I don't know why I didn't. Really, I don't. I would love to see George Colombaris and Gary Whoever-he-is make something edible from that lot. I dare them to. On Master Leftovers-Chef. Just try and tell me that doesn't have arse-on-seat appeal. Everyday cooks the country over would cheer. Cheer. I promise you.

And yes, dinner was actually pretty good, thank you for asking.

*In case you're wondering, I'm not kidding about any of this.
**Still not kidding.
***See above.