Elementary steps to entry

You may think this article pitching advice elementary, but it was born of frustration at the tsunami of drivelous pitches I am forced to swim for my life through many days of the week. Many of them are from professional authors, too. I don't know what's happening in the world.

Pitchers, take note.

1. Don't assume the person reviewing your pitch is the person you met at a conference last March. Frequently, the content people are chained to a desk in the back room and never see the light of day, let alone the bright lights of a glitzy industry event.

2. Don't expect the reviewer to visit your website. All we care about is what you're sending us, not three hundred other articles you've written on topic x. If you must direct us to an online repertoire of your work, for god's sakes, include a working link.

3. Write your pitch in coherent sentences. Avoid terms like:

• 2nd
• thru
• IMO

...and so on. Use punctuation correctly. Do a spell check. If you can't use accurate English in your pitch, the reviewer will not expect you'll be able to do so in an article.

A personal note on this: I assess all authors' capabilities on the basis of their email, first and foremost, rather than their published works. Published works are frequently edited; the author's email rarely is. Your email shows me what I can expect in the way of raw content; the more work I have to do to get your work to a publishable standard, the less likely I am to accept it. It's a time/cost benefit thing. Sorry, Joe.

4. Do not, under any circumstances, fail to pitch an article idea. Writing to me to say "I don't know what you need, but I'd love to write for you" is a waste of my freaking time. Read the publication! Come up with your own exciting ideas! Pitch them, fucker!

5. Explain what your article will tell or give the reader. What's the benefit? And how will the piece differ from any others on the topic? Explain why my readers need to read your article. That's pretty much all I want to know.

6. Don't be intimidated. I don't have time to convince you that I'm not the devil, but am just an ordinary person who needs content.

7. Don't grovel. Seriously, I don't have time for the fawning.