See the big men fly

In inspiring news belatedly in, Advertising's Jesus-Elvis, having changed the face of the industry, has had a crisis of conscience and seceded his position at the helm of MDC, the world's mostest* ad agency, to a "twenty-four foot tall wooden box of Kraft Mac & Cheese".

I love the way the press is writing this up, like he's Thoreau gone to Walden or something. "By God!" the journos bleat. "He's all successful-like, and undoubtedly raking it -- positively raking it -- in, and now he's left the world-beating empire he's created! Maniacal! Crazy! This is just the mostest!"

Not only that, but "These days he blogs and has a Web TV show called “Fearless TV,” in which he rails against genetically modified food and questions consumerism in general." I guess that's where Thoreau comes in. Wow. Crazy. This is positively off the wall. Is it a crack-up? A break-down? Has Jees-vis lost his mojo?

Business success seems to be the primary purview expected of every human being. How nice it is to see someone who's not a schmuck like me, but a big successful superstar with (I'm sorry) certified sick-making good looks and, one imagines, an entire planet of women, drugs, money and hard-earned fun -- plus no little talent, lest we forget, though it almost goes without saying -- at his disposal, say Sayonara to selling shit to people who don't need it.

In my books, this doesn't make Ad Elvis a weirdo, nor a hero. It merely suggests that he has a natural human capacity for common sense. In case you missed it, or thought I was kidding in that coyly offhand, overly casual way of mine, he was, effectively, replaced by a "twenty-four foot tall wooden box of Kraft Mac & Cheese." That is advertising for you. One day you're a deity; the next you're overthrown by a novelty-sized, ultra-processed-foodstuff mannequin.

Now, all eyes are going googly with wonder at what Jees-is Elv-us will do next. My hope is: sink into a decent and lasting obscurity. My expectation is: book deals and Oprah appearances and failed attempts to buy Congolese child-slaves to give them "a better life". At the very least, I expect he'll receive a personal invitation to propose a solution to the BP oil spill, to which he will respond with a blueprint based around a twenty-four-foot-tall wooden box of Kraft Mac & Cheese.

Only cynicism on a massive, almost unprecedented scale will allow us to avoid such atrocities. Maybe he's got it. I certainly hope so. For once, just once, I'd like to see a big man actually fly.

*New word, kiddo. Mostest is a catch-all for best, most talented, hottest, coolest, funkiest, swankiest, etc. Like any good conglomeration, mostest is far, far more than the sum of its parts, due mainly to its fluid indeterminability. What's that? Indeterminability isn't a word? Whatever. I'm not writing another footnote to this post. You'll just have to hack it. I know you can.