On pitching articles ... and taking your own advice

I'm always trying to tell people how to do writerly stuff, including how to pitch posts. Here, though, is incontrovertible proof that I can't take my own freaking advice.

These are the key elements of three article ideas I pitched to a publication recently. Read them and weep...

1. "A wildly fascinating piece looking at the way brand language works online..."
2. "An equally scintillating piece (who's with me?!) on creating brand personas as a means to facilitate consistent communication across multi-part and/or multi-media messages ... It's a pretty cool concept ... and the clients dig it."
3. "Hold onto your hats: what about the Flesch Reading Ease score?! This unputdownable piece would look at the Flesch Reading Ease score (and Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level), so highly regarded online, and consider the challenges involved in meeting those requirements when balancing word counts/space, brand vocabulary (such as product names), and the digital marketer's desire for compelling, search-optimised copy. I'm currently working with this for a client and in the moments when I don't want to hunt down Flesch and torture him/her, I'm thrilled by the prospect of manipulating the language to meet the right tone, brand and comms mandatories, space and word count requirements and Reading Ease score."

I think it's fair to say things got slightly out of hand. And for that I'm eternally apologetic. But, really, how could they not get out of hand? Look at these pitches, people! They define intrigue, don't you think?

I know what you're thinking: "Torture? Really?" Don't worry: I originally had "kill" but had the feeling it'd take my precious pitches from the echelons of the merely "out of hand" and throw them well and truly overboard, so I toned it the hell down. How terribly astute of me.