Is there nothing it can't do?

The return of nonfiction

By rights, this post's title should be lit up in title case because, Jesus, it's been a while.

The last nonfiction thing I read was glorious The Return of the Crazy Bird, but it was long ago. It feels like I last read nonfiction when that little chubby chubster was still dawdling around Rodrigues.

But on Friday I came across The Best American Essays, 2008, which really are something else. I've read four:

• Patricia Brieschke
  
  
• John Updike
• Joe Wenderoth
• David Sedaris

Updike and Sedaris were known, and great. But Brieschke and Wenderoth? Who (dare I say it, apologies in advance for my vast vast ignorance, people, reallyI'msorrybrace!) the hell are they?

I have no idea but boy they can set the pages on fire. Jesus. I know you think I'm overreacting, but wait till you read these essays. My God. Honestly.

I'll be needing some time to get over them.

The moral of this nonfiction story? If you don't know, I'm not about to point it out.

Addendum

Furthermore, let me outline for you what appear to be today's main objectives:

1. Assess incoming work opportunities with the question, "Would I be happy to do this at midnight?" Because in all likelihood, that's when I'll be writing over the coming weeks.

   If I say yes to your project in that time, you can be assured that I keep a deep and abiding love for you locked in a secret corner of my heart, and/or that your project ticks twelve (or more) out of the ten boxes on my Will I Get A Kick Out Of This? checklist.

2. Avoid at all costs setting up interviews with a cherrypicked collection of the world's most prominent digital marketing and writing gurus, to whom I have, overnight, miraculously obtained access.

   At all costs.

3. Stare mindlessly at my Rand McNally map of The Political World, circa 1991. Then make more coffee.

Blind hope

Every so often, a blizzard of work hits my desk. Between now and late October, it looks a lot like I have to:

1. write 165 pages of web copy for a site redev
2. write an ebook
3. rework a second edition of an ebook
4. tech (ha!) edit a print book
5. write a weekly column
6. keep two sites churning with brilliant and insightful content
7. write sales pages and emails for maybe three product launches
8. write another website
9. maybe write a suite of print collateral
10. maybe write another website
11. finish my secret side-project

WTF?

Also, if you're a writer in Melbourne who needs contract web work, I know of a few 5+ month contracts going this week. No kidding.

Given that item number one on that list is estimated to take 420 hours alone, how will I get it all done? Blind hope, my friend. Blind, ignorant, unjustified-ly optimistic hope.

[the kindness of strangers]

[had become practical. There was no room for tenderness or pause. It was all about doing: action on action, brick on brick, day upon burnished, unyielding day.

In those months it was the kindness of strangers that kept him afloat. Speaking to an old woman on the train, or the man who ran the fruit shop, gave him a sense of corporality. He still existed; he was still flesh. He still had whatever it was that made people turn to regard him when he addressed them, and smile politely, and respond with gentle interest.

He was not a ghost. He was not a machine. He kept making these promises to himself in spite of]

What are dictionaries good for?

I'll tell you, kid, because I can only guess that you, like everyone else in the world, thinks dictionaries are for spelling.

That's not it.

Dictionaries are for meaning. Not so much meanings you have no idea about, but meanings you think you know.

If you're constantly stretching for words that are slightly beyond the scope of common conversation—and who isn't?—then dictionaries are extremely helpful.

If you catch yourself every time you stretch—every time aren't quite sure of a word's meaning—and look it up, I promise you you'll find that you know less of even more common words' meanings than you realise.

This is what dictionaries are good for: learning how to express things accurately.

Book concept #743: Copywriting and Gin

Copywriting and Gin (or possibly Copywriting & Gin, depending on the typeface chosen for the cover art) would be a book full of puns, anti-agency witticisms, and general ridicule of the seriousness of copywriting work interwoven—interwoven, I say—with tidbits on gin, gin brands, gin cocktails, and gin drinking.

It would appeal to a miniscule sliver of the book-buying market, namely me. And anyone I could convince at point of sale in my local book shop to buy a copy.

However, in literary, writing-class circles it would achieve near-legendary status as a title full of little but stupidity that somehow made it big. Classes would be formed to analyse it. Syllabus would be bent to fit in discussions of its themes. Students would refer to its innards as containing "deathless prose". Oprah would feature it in her book club.

Chapter titles may include:

Starting out: Come to my garrett, and bring the Vickers

Agency party etiquette: don't dis the Bombay Sapphire

A rather diverting selection of celebratory cocktails

Hendricks and other late-night writing gins

More cocktails (for copywriting after 3am)

Pages: ~350

Writing time: this book should be drafted by September, which would mean it could be released in time for the Christmas shopping season.

[excerpted]

[flames on the fields,

cold flames contained:

yellow in the horses' eyes

leap, flames, flicker

dark scent of burning,

grass made stubble

timber turned to bitter ash

burn, flames, flare]

Domains for men and lesbians

No? That's not what this ad says to you? It's not supposed to appeal specifically to people who like—as in, are turned on by—breasts?

Oh, sorry. I guess I'm just the kind of bitchy straight chick that'll actively avoid buying from a company that advertises by pushing breasts in my face on principle. Again, sorry: I just think it's fucking dumb. (Think of all the cool executions you could create for this brand! Also, newsflash: hetero women buy domains too.) Call me crazy ... but not Crazy Domains.

Subtext: if this ad appears at the top of your homepage, it's likely to put people like me off your site. Sorry, chump, that's just how the world works.

Coda: Sometimes I fantasise that digital advertising for the masses would dispense with sex-for-the-sake-of-it advertising. Really, I do.

Mind-blowing lines #27

Bright and Distant Shores is an irresistible title, don't you think? Dominic Smith is an American, and this is not his first novel—information which I trust will pique your interest.

I admit it's a bit of a tome (700 pages) but it's one hell of an easy read—compelling, involving, likeable, dramatic, and, best of all, vivid. Over these last months of frigid winter, grey air and sickness, this book has been something of a holiday, a retreat. Why? Let me show you.

Introspection was unavoidable at sea. The immense sightlines had a way of turning a man inwards. Up in the rigging, Owen watched a progression of coral atolls and saw his life in outline, a lineage of bare rocks that stood for future events—marriage, children, even his own death could be reckoned in the crags that dotted then diminished above the ocean. He saw the other men in the cross-trees, each of them sunk in his own reverie between tacks. Somehow, the sea offered a reprieve from the turning wheel. He could see the workings of his life more clearly, felt a fondness for it that he seldom felt ashore. Time slowed and the days were graspable things, bright objects waiting to be taken up.

Dumb and dumber

This week has been laden with dumbness. It's like the web has gone to Hawaii and left filler content in its stead. No kidding. Ready?

Dumb #1: Really, really big buttons

Okay, it's not new: there's always been a brand of online marketer that thinks big means more clickable. And sure, if your call to action is so small that no one will ever see it, then yes: bigger might be better. But placement comes into the equation, too. And at some point, everyone's seeing your call to action, so bigger is just more ridiculous.

I hope you're ready. These social media buttons are freaking enormous.

Case 1: sidebar buttons

I found these in a sidebar. They were pretty freaking big.
Case 2: header buttons

Kids, kids, kids. Get your hoof off the accelerator, okay? These buttons were on the right of a site header. On the left? The logo. In the middle? A brand image. On the right? This.

Images are shown at actual sizes. Actual sizes. At 100 paces from my monitor, I can still make that freaking f out.

Okay, we get it: "engage" with you on social media. Alright ALREADY!

Dumb #2: Sheer idiocy

I know, I say everything's sheer idiocy. But tumblr takes the cake. Yeah, some people put new stuff on their tumblr blogs. But 99.9999 repeating per-uncreative-cent do nothing more than rip other people's shit. Like repost, with no added anything. What's the point? Seriously?

This makes me wonder: has the glittering gleam of uncontrolled self-publication lost its tantalising shine already? Have people forgotten the war?*

Dumb #3: Lacklustreness. And yes, that's a word. Because I said so. Don't start with me now.

Look, beautifulswearwords was smile-worthy for the first three minutes, but after that? It's nowhere near as compelling as whatthefuckshouldImakefordinner.com, let's face it.

And as for the endlessly creative 404s, they were cute the first time, but really, who has time to read two hundred words and watch a video, for Christ's sakes, when they get to a lost page? I was wanting to waste time by following the link in the first place, but even I couldn't be bothered dealing with all that content. People want to get shit done, okay?

Dummary

In conclusion, I'm finding there to be more dross—but more highly-produced dross—on the web at the present juncture than previously. Where we will go from here, oh weary pilgrims, is anyone's guess. I recall a time when the thought of publication through uncontrolled channels filled hearts with both joy and inspiration. I know that makes me sound like I'm 80. But whatever.

On the plus side, do good work, and boy will you ever stand out. Boy.

*Sorry. I was just feeling a mite stalwartish. Apologies.

Word of the day #10: chaocosm

chaocosm, n. A place of ordered randomness, or organized disarray. chaocosmic, adj.

From the Greek chaos, emptiness, and cosmos, order.

A term now largely reserved to describe a certain psychological state where an individual is insane, but predictably so, chaocosm was originally coined by physicists in the early days of the Space Race, and used liberally when referring to the universe's mysteries:

"This previously undiscovered black hole further vindicates Thewall Brewster's views on the chaocosm inherent in our universe." (From a paper presented to the Minsk Confederacy of Cosmologists, April 1952)

"...and I feel above all that this theory will lead us to discover new chaocosmic aspects that contribute to the as-yet unexplained orbit..." (Excerpt from a letter dated 7 June, 1953, from the great Sir Blenhem Shipley, Head of the London Space Agency)

"Please do not touch chaocosmic strobe without seeing Prof. Green first." (Memo, Cosmological Science Unit, Utah University, circa 1956)

Ultimately, however, the notion of chaocosm is regarded by many academics as underlying the basis for scientific research and experiment, given that its implication of ordered chaos in fact points to the unknown, but tangible and discoverable explanations that exist for all apparently inexplicable phenomena.