This is living

The media is full of self-help blather. Everyone seems constantly to insinuate that we can and should improve ourselves—be more environmentally aware, get off our lazy, dismal arses and act on our inspirations, or just stop whingeing and thank Christ we're still alive.

To that end, here, briefly, are the self-help catch-cries I never want to hear again, and the reasons why:

• Declutter or minimalise your life.
  Alida thinks: dude, if my life was any more minimalist, I'd be killing the goat for dinner. No, seriously. I really need to get some food into this house. I haven't been shopping in months, or bought clothing in an actual store for years. If I declutter any less I'll be living in a freaking treehouse in rags ... oh, that's right: I AM.
  
  
• Live your dreams/"follow" your "bliss".
  Alida thinks: *gag*
  
  
• Get some exercise.
  Alida thinks: *yawn*
  
  
• Listen to your inner voice.
  Alida thinks: if you knew what my inner voice was saying, there's no way in hell you'd advocate my apprehending it. My inner voice is telling me to track you down and reward your sanctimonious bullshit with a rusty fork to the eyeball.
  
  
• You get what you give.
  Alida thinks: I can present you with approximately 8.8 million reasons (annually) why this is a palpable lie. And that's just for starters.
  
  
• Money is not the answer.
  Alida thinks: no, but it would help pay that enormous rates notice I just received.
  
  
• Breathe.
  Alida thinks: that's not advice; it's a biological imperative, fucker.
  

Think you should be "better"? Forget it. So you have a wooden leg, multiple personalities, and a blind cat. Don't sweat it: the guy next door thinks he was kidnapped by aliens last night and now he's too scared to get out of bed.

Take him that leftover fried rice that's in your fridge and ask if you can borrow his mower. Your action won't prevent WWIII, global warming, or people dying tragically and unnecessarily, but, my friend (or friends, if your multiple personalities prefer), this is living.