Something about things

"Things" is one of the most generic, pointless, blithering nouns in the English language. The Pocket O begins its definition with the words "any possible object of thought". I didn't read on from there: I was too bored with it to bother.

What the fuck are "things"? If you don't know, stop writing until you've worked it out.

In trying to communicate with clarity, "thing" is not a word you should rely upon. I would go so far as to suggest—nay, demand (but then I'm a hard-arse, so you can selectively read "suggest" if you like)—that it is not a word that should be used in professional prose at all. It is a word to be avoided in all but the slimmest possible selection of cases.

A few golden rules, then:

• No headline should include this word.
• In prose, choose a more specific noun. Every single time.
  
• Yes, you can use "things" tongue in cheek, as part of an idiom ("First things first"), or colloquially, as in the title of this post. Alright then. But that's all.
  

I wasn't kidding about headlines. If I see one more article with a headline like "5 things you should know about cats", I'll scream.

Yes, there's sure to be a lot of screaming in the coming weeks.