You tell me

I don't know. I really don't.*
Let's look at that again, shall we:

It was a lay-down misere.

In fact, a lay-down misere is a game which is played to lose: the loser is the winner. How these people are losers is a bit beyond me; perhaps it has something to do with riot shields.

Celebrity agent signs riot kissers.

Difficult to glean the meaning on the first read, but you can get it by the fifth or so if you concentrate really hard.

Now, Melbourne romantic's bringing lover home.

What? Honestly, it took me a good forty seconds to glean the meaning of the previous phrase. After ten minutes or so I assumed this bit meant that one of the kissing couple is from Melbourne and is bringing the other party to this city. According to the article, however, he is in fact from Perth.

What's going on with the news and the writing and the reporting and the coherent English, then? You tell me. Cause I have no freaking idea.

*Yeah, we could talk all day about the image content and the intent of the couple (that's a "comforting kiss"? I think I got thrown out of a nightclub once for doing the same thing...) but that's a discussion for another time.