Don't tell me

A checklist of sorts. These are things I never want to hear ever again in my life, but especially in a submission or pitch:

• "I know [a whole lot of people], who you may know."
  Alida thinks: Who cares? Can you string a sentence together? The rest of this pitch suggests not.
  
  
• "I'd love to contribute something. Let me know if you're interested."
  Alida thinks: Something? Something? I'm not interested already!
  
  
• "I like you already!" (upon article acceptance)
  Alida thinks: Fuck off, you condescending wanker.
  
  
• "heading: My Story"
  Alida thinks: Dude, your story is boring. Get to the point for Christ's sakes! Oh, forget it: Rejected.
  
  
• "heading: Here's Where Things Get Interesting"
  Alida thinks: Thank Christ. I was beginning to wonder when the boring and irrelevant would end.
  
  
• "Why is this interesting?"
  Alida thinks: If you know I'm already wondering this, your article has already failed.
  
  
• "How is this relevant?"
  Alida thinks: See above. And stop torturing me.